Gone
She had been reluctant to tell me the news, but she had finally made her decision. She was going back to California. Leaving Texas, but not the company. Family and opportunity; it was what was best. We’d make it work. She looked back in sympathy as she walked through the large black metal door, I was trying my best to smile and look reassuring. As soon as the door closed, I felt like a piece inside of me cracked. The tears were more than I could handle. My hopes were going with her and I couldn’t fix it.
It wasn’t just that I was going to miss my co-worker and my friend, which was all true. I was losing something that was hard to articulate at first. It felt like grief, like complete and utter misery, compounded by long-hours and isolation. I worked alone most days. She had been working from home most of the last year, but coming in once a week or so. The office echoed with emptiness. Even when other people did come by, no one knew what I did or engaged with me about it. I could go days without talking to anyone face-to face during my time in office. If I stopped going in, then what was work at all?
After she went back to California, it wasn’t the same, of course, but that’s hardly her fault. What changed? In that moment when I realized she was going, I cracked and a part of me never recovered from it. Without her, this job would never be what I wanted, the crack became a gap and the gap widened. If this job wasn’t for me, then what was? When I lost my collaborator, my creative force, my right hand, I was forced to confront all of the other things that I had been ignoring or trading off as necessary because at least I had this and we could do this together… But then, we couldn’t, and I didn’t know how to face it. My vision of one of the many possible futures had died; it was time to find a new one.
I was thinking about that moment almost four years ago with my art director today when I heard the news about yet another co-worker going on to different opportunity. Grief, sadness, heartache. I’m not giving up on the company, but the people make up the company and without her a critical piece will be missing. When we invest our total selves, our real authentic selves in our work and work relationships, we suffer for real too. I can’t cauterize my unproductive feelings because it is prudent or efficient any more than I can find passion and drive without emotion. Even though I understand the rationale, change/uncertainty/loss all of these things are still part of the experience. We all have impact on each other and I know I was better because of her.
